TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different put up Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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